Fowl and Fairy
by AriTeir
Summary: A collection of drabbles and oneshots detailing everything my little brain can come up with. Unexpected marriage, small town gossip, hair styling, Butler's Academy days it's all in here and more!
1. I now Pronounce you

I now pronounce you.

_Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl_

_Summary: What if No1's little joke was more legally binding then he thought._

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Artemis Fowl had rather been enjoying his morning when he got a letter. The word letter here is used loosely because what had come through the Fowl letter slot that day was at least two degrees north of what most would consider regular postage. Which Artemis discovered when he tried to open the envelope which seemed ordinary enough until it folded open in his hands and resumed the shape of thin screen. Artemis blinked, curious. The screen wavered for a few seconds before lines of Gnommish text began to scroll across it. It took Artemis barely a second for his brain to switch from English to the Fairy language and he began to read.

_To Artemis Fowl the Second_

_It has come to our attention that on the date of August 7 2008 you partook in a ceremony overseen by the Demon Warlock known as Number One in which you held hands Captain Holly Short of the LEPrecon and were pronounced by Number one as 'Man and Elf'. As a Warlock Number One has been ordained by the Fairy Council to preform any and all civil duties related to his post. This ceremony is therefore binding. Congratulations on your marriage to Captain Short._

_Sincerely _

_The Fairy Council_

"Hurk" Artemis spluttered holding the letter as far away from him as he possibly could. His family members all looked up from their breakfast at this outburst and shared puzzled glances over the expression of shock and horror on the genius' face.

"Artemis need Toilet?" Beckett asked.

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_STORY NOTES_

_Letters: I was orginally going to have a plain letter for Artemis to read when I realised that Fairies haven't used actual paper for centuries. And the only way I could get the messafe through the mail was if it looked like a letter. So I created a foldable screen. Folded up it looks like a regular envelope but it unfolds into a letter sized screen. Fairies like getting cards and mail as much as the next species. _

_August 7 2008: The release date of 'Artemis Fowl the Time Paradox' in the U.K_

_Anyway that's all more oneshots and little drabbly bits on the way. Hopefully longer next time_


	2. Mrs Short about your daughter

Mrs Short about your daughter.

_Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl_

_Summary: Hoilly's in a spot of trouble _

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"Holly Calypso Short!"

The young elf didn't even look up as her mother burst into the room her hair a halo of flames around her face. She didn't need to she already knew the expression she would find there. She focused instead on keeping the healing pack to the large bump on her forehead with one hand while holding a tissue to a bloody lip with the other. Normally magic would take care of such grievances but Holly had used the last of hers on the large graze that had run from her knee to her ankle on her left leg. It still looked a little red and some of the deeper cuts still speckled it's surface.

"I should be on my way to the Atlantic Trench right now, do you know why I'm not?" Coral Short asked approaching her daughter who sat looking appropriately guilty and miserable on a long plastic bench.

"Because I got into a fight and the Principal called you?" Holly mumbled not looking up from her shoes and wishing desperately that she had enough magic to make her head stop throbbing.

"Because you got into a fight and the Principal called me!" Coral yelled.

"And not just a fight oh no this is the fifth fight you've been in this term and who do you pick it with?"

"Regald Moss" Holly said still not lifting her gaze.

"Regald Moss who's father happens to own this entire stretch of Tunnel including the land this school is carved out from, that's who you pick a fight with!"

"It wasn't my fault!" Holly cried finally looking up bringing the tissue away from her lip so she could talk properly. The look of absolute rage that graced Coral Short's featured faltered just a bit as she saw her daughters injured face. Her lip was thick and bloodied one cheek was grazed but not bleeding and her left eye was already turning black. She immediately felt guilty for continually putting off the trip above ground so she could complete the ritual, she would make time in the future she promised. But not even this was enough to completely defuse Corals legendary temper.

"You attacked the poor boy!"

"Poor boy? Poor boy! Mum he and his friends were picking on Chix , he's a Sprite in my class and they always pick on him. They pull his wings"

"So you attacked him?"

"...yes." Holly hung her head again Coral Short sighed and sat next to her daughter.

"And how many friends were there?" She asked

"Three"

"And how many joined the fight?"

"Three"

"Holly" Coral took her daughters face into her hands and sent a blue sparks dancing across it pouncing on the young elf's injuries.

"Sweetheart you need to stop doing this. Picking fights. Especially with boys who are not only bigger than you but also outnumber you"

"But Mum what they were doing to Chix! It wasn't right and..."

"And next time you are to go and get a teacher" Coral said sternly. Holly rolled her eyes.

"Yeah like any of the teachers here will touch Regald Moss his dad owns the whole tunnel" She muttered. Before Coral could say anything more a door on the other side of the hall swung open and four thoroughly beaten Gnome boys stepped from it followed by a gaggle of parents and a very nervous looking principal. Coral was impressed with her daughter's handiwork not that she let that show on her face.

"You!" One particularly distressed mother cried pointing at Coral.

"Your little demon of a daughter did this to my poor Bose!"

Bose it had to be said looked very sorry for himself and being covered with bruises and cuts it was not hard to see why. Coral stood to her full height looking very impressive in full LEPmarine uniform and glared at the mother.

"My little demon of a daughter would not have done that to your poor Bose had he not been tormenting another child." She announced before turning to Principal Skell who looked like he would vibrate out of the visible spectrum soon due to nervous energy.

"I trust these boys have been sufficiently punished for their treatment of Chix was it dear?

"Yes, Verbil" Holly Supplied.

" My little Regald would never do such a thing. He and his friends were merely playing together when they were viciously set upon by that demon child!

"They were not! They were pulling on his wings!" Holly cried clambering onto the bench to make herself look taller. Mrs Moss did not take at all well to be back talked by a child.

"Why how dare you speak to me in such a manner you little brat. You madam should keep a leash on your child, she's obviously an ill mannered menace! Principal Skell My husband and I had been under the impression that you did not allow children such as _this_ into our school"

"Well I uh...you see Mrs Moss...that is..." Principal Skell stammered taking a handkerchief from a pocket to wipe his forehead.

"Don't strain yourself Principal" Coral said coldly.

"Any school that allows the tormenting of another student to go unpunished to the point a child has to step in and take matters into her own hands is obviously not the right place for my daughter."

She turned to Holly.

"Go get your things dear we're leaving"

Holly stepped down from the bench and glaring at the four Gnome boys made her way out of the corridor. Coral followed behind her pausing only to punch Evesta Moss firmly on her surgically corrected nose.

"Guess where she gets it from" She said.

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_STORY NOTES_

_Calypso: If you have read the incredible Lli's fics you will recognize Holly's middle name. Calypso is the middle name Lli has given her and I have shamelessly poached it because I like it and wanted to have a bit of continuity within the fandom. _

_Fight club: In her interveiw in'The Fowl Files' Holly revealed she was often in toruble at school for getting into fights due to her strong sense of right and wrong. _

_Chix Verbil: I love Chix he's the perfect Woobie. _

_Anyway that's all fpr now I'd love to hear what you think of my drabbles so far. I am sorry for my poor spelling and punctuation. _

_Ari Out_


	3. Turning the Table

Turning the Table

_Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl_

_Summary: Principal Guiney finally snaps and gives Artemis a little taste of his own medicine_

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This councilor wasn't like the others. For one thing she was a _she_ and for another she was young and very very attractive. She wore a well tailored Grey woolen suit that sat comfortably on her slim frame a pair of half moon glasses sat daintily half way down her nose and her chocolate brown tresses were tied back into a loose pun held together with a pencil. Not at all what Artemis had been expecting. But he wasn't about to let that put him off he was after all living proof that looks could be deceiving.

Artemis cleared his throat softly from the door way and the woman looked up from from her folder and smiled. Artemis faltered internally just a bit for this was not the 'I'm here to help you and be your friend smile' you would expect to see on the face of a school councilor this was pitying 'You're insane and you don't even know it' smile. And Artemis did not like it one bit.

"Artemis Fowl" The councilor said in a soft yet clipped voice.

"Is what it says on the folder you're holding" Artemis said entering the room and settling himself down on the arm chair opposing his latest victim in one fluid movement.

"Yes it is; that's why I said it" The councilor pushed her glasses up her nose and lowered the folder slightly.

"I am Louise Ingles of course you will refer to me as Doctor Ingles. And I am here because..."

"...my Mother insists I tolerate these useless sessions"

"Exactly. But don't worry you won't have to tolerate them for much longer I've read enough of your file to compile a diagnosis for you already" Doctor Ingles announced breezily Artemis raised an eyebrow.

"Oh really and what would that diagnosis be?"

"That you're a smug little prick who has an overinflated sense of self worth and finds the only way he can possibly get others to appreciate his supposed importance is to rub his intelligence in their faces...did I leave anything out?"

"Perhaps the part where I complain of your senseless treatment and coarseness towards me and get you fired" Artemis said cooly. He was truth be told a little bit put out by this woman's bluntness, he was so used to people tip toeing around him. Doctor Ingles calm expression dropped for just a second, she reached out and placed her hands on his wrists her eyes met his pleadingly.

"Oh please..." She said in a worried voice. Artemis allowed himself an internal smirk.

"Do" The doctor finished. The young genius blinked. What.

"I'm sorry?" He said out loud.

"Your remarkable intelligence has obviously left you too emotionally and socially stunted to realize this but I am a very attractive woman. And I don't think I can take much more of the Sexual harassment I've been subjected to day and night since coming here My pigeon hole is constantly bursting with love letters I can't walk down the hall without getting whistled at and the less said about the constant innuendo directed towards me the better. And that's just the teachers!"

"Well I..." Artemis paused whatever he had been about to say dying on his tongue. He tried again

"Are you..." but once again the words fizzled out. He didn't know what to do, obviously he didn't want to keep this woman around but he also wanted to make her miserable as possible, like he always did to the people who cut too close and she would be most miserable here. He needed time to think about this one. There were quite a few options and variables that needed exploring. Artemis glanced at his watch.

"You must excuse me now Doctor Ingles I feel the need to rub my intelligence in someones face." He said rising from his chair not nearly as fluidly as he had sunk into it and making his way to the door. Doctor Ingles made no effort to prevent him from leaving the room and all she called after him was.

"Please complain!"

Artemis frowned out in the hallway feeling ever so slightly put out. He managed to settle his features back into a cool mask of indifference as Principal Guiney passed him though.

Doctor Ingles was shuffling her papers when the Principal entered the room. He spread his arms wide.

"Francesca that was wonderful!" He announced Doctor Ingles beamed a wide toothy grin that looked characteristically out of place on a woman attired such as she.

"You really think so Uncle Mortimer?" She asked stepping into the hug.

"I feel kind of bad..."

"Oh don't worry you've just put the lad's nose a little out of joint he'll get over it this time tomorrow he'll be back to his usual smug self" Francesca nodded.

"Hey are you coming to Sunday Lunch this week Mum's promised to make Vinegar Pudding if you do" She said brightly. Principal Guiney smiled.

"You know how powerless I am to resist your mother's Vinegar pudding, I'll be there"

"Great I'll tell her to break the Silverwear out! Oh and did you hear I got a call back for an Audition! It's just a commercial but still I'm super excited!" Francesca said giving a little twirl.

"Well that's fantastic news tell me all about it" The Principal took a seat across from his neice.

"Well it's for a laundry powder..."

_Two months later_

Artemis Fowl entered Fowl Manor's informal lounge to retrieve the novel he had left there the previous night. Normally he would have read in the library or his own room but mother insisted the family spend their evenings together in the lounge. Whether or not they actually interacted with each other during this time was however a different story. Juliet was curled up on the sofa, pink polka dot socks sticking out from under her gangly legs and a bowl of roasted cashew nuts Juliet's snack of choice rested on the upholstery next to her.

"Hey Artemis" She called brightly turning her attention away from the B grade midday movie that was playing on the T.V as the commercials began.

"Hello Juliet" Artemis said making his way to the arm chair that had been 'his' chair for as long as he could remember. A cheery jingle began to play on the screen.

"I bought some of that stuff" Juliet said nodding towards the advert.

"It's great, especially for bloodstains and it's a fabric softener too!"

"Hmm?" Artemis spared the flatscreen a glance. On it a brown haired young woman was bemoaning make up stains on her favorite blouse then an animated box of laundry powder with a wide smiling cartoon face jumped down from the shelf above her to solve all her laundry problems.

Artemis frowned, he could swear he had seen that young woman before somewhere.

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_STORY NOTES_

_Clever little boy: I realise that Artemis is probably far too intelligent to fall for something like this._

_Pigeon holes: I'm not sure if other countries have pigeon holes or if they are called something different there. Pigeon holes are basically cubby holes in the teachers lounge where notices and the like are left._

_Vinegar Pudding: Vinegar pudding is one of the nicest things ever! It's taste is hard to describe it's kind of buttersctotchy but not quite. I think it's from South Africa and is named vinegar pudding because the recipe calls for a tablespoon of Vinegar but despite this it is incredibly sweet and rich. _

_Okay that's all for now I hope you enjoyed this little oneshot please feel free to reveiw I love to hear what people think of my work I accept critism just please be construcive and polite._

_Ari Out!_


	4. The Parting Glass

The Parting Glass

_Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl. This chapter contains some content not suitable for those under the age of thirteen. _

_Summary: Just because Fairies can't drink Human alcohol doesn't mean Humans can't drink Fairy alcohol. Artemis and Holly don't really deal with their stay in Limbo. At least not as much as they'd have liked too. __

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"This Captain" Artemis fowl exclaimed holding up a small bottle "is far too sweet and won't do at all!" He placed the bottle back among a group of others on the stone bench he was leaning against.

" 's not too sweet you're tongue's jus' been ruined by too much mud" Holly protested liberating the bottle and taking a swig. Artemis selected another from the collection the elf had bought with her.

"What's this?" He asked. Holly peered at the label.

"You won't like it 's Goblin Fire Water burns like hell...hey tha's kinda funny"

"It is" Artemis agreed before removing the lid from the bottle and taking a large mouthful. He swallowed it quickly and almost immediately began wheezing.

"That's more like it" He said in a pained voice once he felt he could speak again tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes. From her position next to him Holly giggled.

"I told you" She sing songed taking another sip from the sweet wine she was holding. Artemis coughed and put the bottle back on the bench blinding grabbing another one.

"Tha's a wine. Made from berries, my parents drank it at their wedding. 's popular at weddings. Traditional" Holly explained putting the sweet wine aside and taking the berry one out of Artemis' hands to take a mouthful.

"You're s'posed to keep it, for your hundred year anniversary. Only there's no anniversary anymore so it doesn't matter" She offered the bottle back to Artemis.

"Bottoms up Mud Boy"

"Mud Man Holly I am Eighteen now, if you want to be technical" Artemis said raising the bottle to his lips.

"Three years gone after all"

"Three years gone after all" Holly echoed toppling to the side to land cheek first into the grass of one of Fowl Manors immaculate lawns.

"World looks kinda funny like this; three years gone" She said Artemis 'Hmm'd' from somewhere beyond her line of vision.

"Foaly's gotten married, Trouble's the Com'nder. Lili Frond's a Princess" Holly giggled then stopped.

"Trouble can't be the Com'nder. Only Root can, 's cause of the cigars. But he's gone now and not jus' for three years" She mumbled into the grass rolling on to her back

" 'sides he's Trouble!"

"And Trouble can't be the Commander" Artemis said

" 'sactly!"

"Captain would I right in assuming that you are completely and totally drunk?" The raven haired youth peered down at Holly who nodded languidly.

"Completely and Totally" She said.

"Good I'd hate to be the odd one out" Artemis collapsed down beside her.

"My father said 'Sorry' you know" He said

"Said Sorry he'd disappeared but I didn't." He raised an arm and began to wave it about as if conducting an orchestra of stars.

"Don't think he minds though because..." Artemis paused.

"...can I tell you a secret Holly?"

The elf nodded

"I told my parents not to worry about where I'd been so I don't need to say sorry because they didn't really mind"

He turned onto his side

"Except that's a lie they really did"

He ran a finger along a blade of grass.

"And now I have brothers, _brothers_! What am I going to do with _brothers_!"

"Knowing you 'speriement on them. Trouble has a brother, so does Foaly Root had one too. Everyone has a brother except me" Holly said turning onto her side to face Artemis.

"Hey" She said "I've never seen my eyes when I've been drunk before, they look all shiny"

Artemis laughed and reached for the bottle of berry wine to pass to her taking a mouthful before he did.

"Yours are shiny too" Holly said accepting the bottle.

"Are they? I've never been drunk before, I've sampled alcohol but never consumed enough of it to get myself even close to tipsy. This is an entirely new experience for me. It's rather enjoyable. I'm not the least bit worried about anything! You have no idea how liberating that is" Artemis spread his arms wide on the ground.

"I don't even care that I've ruined this suit! Or that I'm in my garden at midnight being drunk with a Fairy and that's something I would usually care very deeply about. I still care about leaving my parents though" He frowned

"You know what the worst part is?" Holly asked suddenly " 's just us. You and me, we're the odd ones out here. The Demons all got to start anew but we had to come back to what we'd left behind" She took a large gulp of the berry wine.

"And no one gets that. 'cept you and me. You and me Arty it's always you and me"

"You and I and it is isn't it?"

" 's not so bad though. Cause I like you"

"I like you too" Artemis said.

"Sometimes I think I _really _like you" Holly giggled and Artemis did too. He wasn't really sure why though, he just all of a sudden felt like laughing. Well actually he really felt a little bit like crying but laughter seemed like a better option. Holly Sprung to her feet all of a sudden.

"A drinking song!" She exclaimed holding the bottle skywards. "We need a drinking song! Cause 's your first time being drunk. Do you know the one about the Gnome and the Swear Toad?" She asked Artemis rolled over onto his stomach and propped himself up on his elbow shaking his head.

"How about 'Three Pixies in a Barrel' tha's a classic"

"Never heard of it"

" 'S easy you'll pick it up" And then Holly yanked him to his feet shakily and began to pull him around in a wonky circle singing at the top of her lungs in gnommish a very crude song about three Pixies who crawled into a wine barrel in a brothel to get a free peek at the girls but were discovered by the Madam. Artemis was only slightly shocked to find himself joining in at the third chorus. He had always known Alcohol would dull his sense of self but not to this extent and he had never even considered that he would be okay with it. He was almost sad when the song ended and he and Holly collapsed together on the grass slightly out of breath.

"Do you know any drinking songs, cause I can't seem to remember any more, there's the one about the Dwarf and his wife but I forget how the middle bit goes, 'cept the tune, remember that" Holly said.

"Well" Artemis said wondering how the stars could seem infinitely brighter and even closer when he was drunk than they did when he was sober and did Holly know she was shining?

"I would probably be called a disgrace to my country and have my citizenship revoked if I didn't know at least one drinking song. Do you know 'The Parting Glass' it's an old traditional one. It was sung at my Grandfather's funeral, it was a favorite of his, he always hummed it in his workshop" Artemis briefly wondered why he had only just remembered that now.

"Course I know it. 'S older than my parents" Holly said. She struggled into a half sitting position.

"_Oh all the money that e'er I had _

_I spent it in good company _

_And all the harm I e'er done_

_Alas it was to none but me_

_And all I've done for want of wit _

_To memory now I can't recall_

_So fill to me the parting glass _

_Good night and joy be with you all_

_Of all the comrades that e'er I had _

_They're sorry for my going away_

_And of all the sweethearts that e'er I had_

_They'd wish me one more day to stay _

_But since it falls unto my lot_

_That I should rise and you should not_

_I'll gently rise and I'll softly call_

_Good night and joy be with you all" _

Her voice cut high and clear across the crisp darkness before she toppled back onto the grass sleepily.

" 'S a nice song" She mumbled closing her eyes. Artemis nodded prying the bottle of berry wine from her tiny fingers to take the last few mouthfuls. He placed it back down next to Holly. Artemis felt tired too, a different sort of tired than he usually felt. This was the sort of tired that creeps into your bones and makes you heavy. He lay on his back and turned to the sleeping Holly

"_If I had money enough to spend_

_And leisure time to sit awhile_

_There is a fair maid in this town_

_That sorely has my heart beguiled _

_Her rosy cheeks and ruby lips_

_She alone has my heart in thrall_

_So fill to me the parting glass_

_Good night and joy be with you all" _

He kissed Holly on her cheek and closed his eyes.

Butler stumbled across the pair on his morning rounds. They were curled around each other covered with dew and stank of alcohol. He was instantly glad that Mr and Mrs Fowl were in London with the twins who were having grommets put in their ears. Briefly he wondered how Artemis had managed to sneak out of the manor without his knowing and how Holly had made it onto the grounds without setting off any of the security. Then he wondered how she had been able to do it carrying what seemed to be every alcohol known to fairy kind. Rows of glass bottles filled with interestingly coloured liquids lined the stone bench the pair were passed out in front of and there were even more lying around them. Butler sighed, he was getting far too old for this. Then he wondered if Juliet had left any of her annoyingly catchy pop C.D's at the manor.

Captain Holly Short awoke with a blinding headache that her magic refused to do anything about on a plastic waiting bench in the Tara passenger terminal. She groaned and put a hand to her head. What had happened to her? She remembered she had gone to visit Artemis but that was about it. She must have been some kind of tired, cradling her head Holly stood shakily and made her way to a Sim coffee kiosk. Oh how she needed Sim Coffee.

Artemis' awakening later that same day was not nearly as pleasant as Holly's.

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_STORY NOTES_

_Goblin Fire Water: This Fairy alcohol is based on an actual generic name given to any form of Portuguese liquor that is between 29 and 60 percent alcohol. _

_Eighteen: Eighteen is the legal drinking age in Ireland. _

_Brothers: While Foaly does have a nephew it is unclear if he his the offspring of a brother or a sister. _

_Drinking songs: The earliest records of drinking songs dates back to the dark ages but they've been around for a lot longer than that! Every country and culture have their own some carry across from country to country. Most are crude and filled with innuendo's_

_The Parting Glass: This is a traditional Irish drinking song and until 'Auld lang Syne' was written it was the most popular song in Ireland and Scotland. The Parting glass was generally sung at the end of a gathering of friends. If you want to hear it sung look up 'Cara Dillon the Parting Glass' on youtube. This version varies the lyrics a little but I always pictured Holly sounding like Cara Dillon. The version from 'Waking Ned Divine' is also really good_

_Anyway Happy New Year all! _

_Ari out!...and stop throwing rocks at my house or I'll call the police...oh you ARE the police. _


	5. Man and Elf

Man and Elf

_Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl_

_Summary: Holly takes the news of her marriage a little better than expected._

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Artemis hit the on switch to his computer so hard it almost hit back. The usual brisk start up sequence which had Artemis marveling at his skill now seemed to take an eternity. Artemis didn't even wait for all of his screens to blink into life he plunged right into the video call system that linked his computer to Holly's phone and helmet. A window popped up on the screen in front of him. A golden acorn spun in the center of it while gnommish text scrolled along the bottom of the screen reading 'your call is being transferred'

"Dammit Holly pick up" Artemis yelled on the texts fifth journey across the bottom of the window. Barely 20 seconds later the waiting screen disappeared to be replaced with a view of Holly's miniscule bedroom and then Holly appeared wrapped in a towel dripping and scowling. And for a few moments all Artemis could do was stare at the way the water clung to Holly's skin. And why shouldn't he stare, he thought to himself, she was after all his wife. Then he remembered, _she was his wife._

"Artemis this had better be good I had to dive from the shower!" Holly announced running a hand savagely through her auburn hair pushing the dripping locks back from her eyes causing Artemis to stare again as a few errant drops fell from her hair down her shoulders and into the incline between her covered breasts. He swallowed and continued, slightly shakily it had to be said. Damn hormones

"I apologize for the interruption but I assure you I would not have called were this not of the utmost importance" He said.

"What have you done now?" Holly asked her eyes reflecting the steeliness in her voice.

"I have done nothing, really Holly must you always think the worst of me?" Artemis asked. Holly gave him a look that clearly said 'let's review past incidents on which you have called me and find what the common trend is shall we?'

"Okay Artemis why have you called me?" She said finally. Her gaze still holding a large amount of skepticism

"Barely ten minutes ago I revived a letter informing me that" Artemis paused to take a deep breath and steel himself.

"We were Married by No1"

"Oh yeah...that" Holly said in a tone far more casual and even slightly guiltier than Artemis felt the situation required. Then he registered what she had said

"Oh yeah that, _OH YEAH THAT_?" He cried. Holly's face now held the look of a child who had been caught with their hand in the Biscuit tin.

"I was going to tell you" She said sheepishly

"You knew!"

"Of course I knew. The Council have raked poor No1 across the coals for it." Artemis felt instantly sorry for the Demon Warlock. No1 was a sensitive creature and a good friend, he hadn't meant for the repercussions of his little joke to be so far reaching and he certainly didn't deserve to be punished by the Fairy Council for it.

"How is he?" Artemis asked.

"Well he can't stop apologizing to me and he's terrified you'll hate him" Holly said. Artemis sighed.

"No I don't hate him" He said before.

"Why didn't you tell me you knew about this! Holly we're married! _Married!_ I'm your husband, you're my wife!"

"Yes that's generally how marriage works" The elf shrugged casually and Artemis suddenly understood why the majority of teachers at St Bartleby's were going bald and it had nothing to do with aging.

"Captain, Holly I don't think you're quite grasping the severity of this situation" He said forcing his voice to remain steady through gritted teeth when in reality he wanted to grab the screen and shake it, well he really wanted to shake Holly but she was a few miles underground.

"Oh no I get it. We're married, I'm your wife your my husband for better or for worse and all of that" Holly said giving another shrug.

"But we can't be married I'm only sixteen!"

"Actually you're eighteen and since when have you stuck to the legal age on anything?"

"If I didn't know any better Captain I'd think you were happy with the fact that we're married" Artemis said suspiciously.

"Well I'm not _un_happy about it"

"And why would that be?" Artemis asked delicately yet with an underlying hardness in his voice. Imagining each word like ascending notes on a piano. Holly squirmed just a little bit under his gaze

"The tax benefits are Incredible!" She blurted suddenly.

"My annual income's gone up by thirty percent, purely because of tax cuts! Can you believe that? And do you have any idea how many boneheads I don't have to deal with now that I'm married? It's like I've got a sign above my head that says 'Off the Market Don't Even Bother'! It's great, before I had to deal with all kinds of idiots wanting to get bragging rights! Also now when I complain about you it's not just that I'm still sore about the kidnapping and you being a manipulative bastard at the best of times no offense of course, I'm now a wife complaining about her husband which aside from being perfectly socially acceptable, opens up so many more channels" Holly finished taking a deep breath. After a few seconds processing what he had just heard and trying to translate some of the faster bits Artemis managed to say.

"None taken"

"Also uh, when you die I get everything, unless it's in your will, of course" Holly added. Artemis spluttered.

"When I die?" He demanded

"Well yes, you're probably going to die before me and when you do as your wife I inherit everything"

"What if I don't die before you?"

"Well then you get everything I have, it works both ways you know"

"No Holly it doesn't! How does this arrangement in any shape or form work both ways? As far as I can tell you're the one getting all the benefits while I get nothing."

"Well that's not strictly true, you get citizenship" Holly said Artemis blinked, citizenship? That sounded promising.

"So I am now...?"

"...officially a member of The People."

"Full citizenship? I get all the rights of any other fairy" Artemis could not stop a vampiric grin from spreading across his face. Not that he was really trying. Holly sighed. She was going to regret this

"Yes Artemis Full citizenship for all legal purposes you are now a Fairy" you could almost see the gears turning in Artemis' brain, all new worlds were unfolding before his eyes. There was so much he could do with Fairy Citizenship. Maybe being married to Holly Short wasn't such a bad thing. He gave a warm smile (well as warm as he could manage) to Holly.

"Have a nice day at work dear" He said.

* * *

_STORY NOTES_

_Message system: In 'The Lost Colony' It is revealed that Holly and Artemis have a sort of video phone that they quite often talk to each other on. In 'The Time Paradox' we are told they also have a colour coded message system. I imagine video phones to be quite common if not the norm in Fairy Society. _

_Common trends: Anyone who has read the books knows what Artemis' calls to Holly usually involve. It isn't free cake or walks in the park. _

_Legality: Eighteen is the Legal age of Marriage in the Republic of Ireland. Artemis never sticks to age limits anyway. _

_Citizenship: It is a well known fact that most countries give instant citizenship to anyone who marries a citizen of that country. For example my mother recieved New Zealand citizenship when she married my father. But some countries don't offer this. My father for example did not recieve Zimbabwean citizenship when he married my mother. _

Anyway that's all for now I hope you are enjoying this series so far if you are, or even if you aren't I'd love to hear from you. I accept critism just please be constructive and polite.

Ari out!


End file.
